A Story
I heard an interesting story the other day.
There was a woman seen by others to be a nice person, likeable, etc. She was no looker, and had a pretty big ass, and no dating history to speak of, except for some long drawn out crushes that always ended badly, or just ended.
This person began to think that she was afraid of the sweaty mens. If asked about it, I am sure she would say that this is true, yet at the same time express her attraction to and interest in same. It's like mountain climbing. Looks like fun but those heights are scary as hell.
Observe if you will her reaction to a recent approach by a man. After wandering in a bookstore for some time, she made her purchases and exited the premises. In the parking lot a man called out to her. She turned, and he stammered a bit - could he ask her something, and she replied yes, thinking perhaps, directions, but already feeling her heart rev up a few steps, and he said that he had been watching her in the store, and could he have her number. With all systems immediately flipped to "flee," she said that she was sorry, she was on her way to meet her date (a lie of course, though she was on her way to pick up someone dear to her)and he pressed the issue, saying he hadn't seen a ring on her finger, but she was moving now, and thanked him for the compliment and flung herself in her car.
Then she cried.
She cried because she was afraid. She cried because perhaps his interest was genuine and she had said no after he had gotten his courage up. She cried because she though perhaps his interest wasn't genuine and the bookstore was perhaps known to those looking for sex or money as target rich environment for fat lonely women, needy enough to say yes. She cried because he was a stranger and they hadn't been properly introduced. She cried because she was afraid she was prejudiced. She cried because the men she had wanted in her life had never wanted her. She cried because she was afraid those men had been deliberate choices so that she would never have to love. She cried because she was afraid sex was never to be experienced or understood. She cried because she could not understand her fear.
She doesn't know what to do. How do you change a pattern of life that is so established? How do you force yourself to diet, hoping that is the key, when you are angry that it is they key, and that the rest of you, the core of who you are, is really just the window dressing? How do you face the fear that dieting is not the key, and what pushes people away is something you haven't even though of? How do you live knowing the few times you have gotten what you thought you wanted; romantic sexual attention from men, you have run away?
I think she will wait, and watch, and cry from time to time. Because how do you change when you don't know what is wrong?
There was a woman seen by others to be a nice person, likeable, etc. She was no looker, and had a pretty big ass, and no dating history to speak of, except for some long drawn out crushes that always ended badly, or just ended.
This person began to think that she was afraid of the sweaty mens. If asked about it, I am sure she would say that this is true, yet at the same time express her attraction to and interest in same. It's like mountain climbing. Looks like fun but those heights are scary as hell.
Observe if you will her reaction to a recent approach by a man. After wandering in a bookstore for some time, she made her purchases and exited the premises. In the parking lot a man called out to her. She turned, and he stammered a bit - could he ask her something, and she replied yes, thinking perhaps, directions, but already feeling her heart rev up a few steps, and he said that he had been watching her in the store, and could he have her number. With all systems immediately flipped to "flee," she said that she was sorry, she was on her way to meet her date (a lie of course, though she was on her way to pick up someone dear to her)and he pressed the issue, saying he hadn't seen a ring on her finger, but she was moving now, and thanked him for the compliment and flung herself in her car.
Then she cried.
She cried because she was afraid. She cried because perhaps his interest was genuine and she had said no after he had gotten his courage up. She cried because she though perhaps his interest wasn't genuine and the bookstore was perhaps known to those looking for sex or money as target rich environment for fat lonely women, needy enough to say yes. She cried because he was a stranger and they hadn't been properly introduced. She cried because she was afraid she was prejudiced. She cried because the men she had wanted in her life had never wanted her. She cried because she was afraid those men had been deliberate choices so that she would never have to love. She cried because she was afraid sex was never to be experienced or understood. She cried because she could not understand her fear.
She doesn't know what to do. How do you change a pattern of life that is so established? How do you force yourself to diet, hoping that is the key, when you are angry that it is they key, and that the rest of you, the core of who you are, is really just the window dressing? How do you face the fear that dieting is not the key, and what pushes people away is something you haven't even though of? How do you live knowing the few times you have gotten what you thought you wanted; romantic sexual attention from men, you have run away?
I think she will wait, and watch, and cry from time to time. Because how do you change when you don't know what is wrong?
posted by Violet Beauregarde | 3:39 PM
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