Listen

Now my stomach hurts, as it has for days. This is the ice cream. I walk out of the house. muggy, I hear the teenagers sitting in the dark talking. They took their bench away, wanting to push them away, but in the hot summer they have returned. I walk up the small rise, startling a man with a dog. The dog scares me. The ice cream place is crowded. A woman in a tank top has ordered five milkshakes. The employees look tired. A woman in a short skirt and on the phone cuts in front of me. A man whispers his order, discussing the amount of hot fudge that is left. I order carmel instead of hot fudge. I apologize to the woman who rings me up. "Sorry for coming so late." It is almost closing. I dislike the two women in their tank tops and flirty skirts. I cross back to the neighborhood. I hear the teenagers again, as I pass in the dark. I am afraid they wil laugh at me. A fat woman alone with her ice cream.
It is the first night in months I have been in the house alone.

On Selfishness

Incident:
Said I didn't know when asked what I wanted for my birthday. Realized that this makes me more, not less, selfish and greedy. That knowing that I do like presents, I want people to demonstrate their knowledge and care of me by knowing what special extravagancess I would like, or to demonstrate that time has been spent thinking about me.

Incident:
There is a terrible intersection near our house. A large main road, with an access road running parallel. An exit from the shopping center crosses the access and main roads. If you are attempting to cross the main road from the access lane, you have the opportunity to jump in front of the traffic exiting the shopping center, and if you do not jump in front, you often miss the light completely. Recently a sign was put up mandating that the access road traffic must yield to the shopping center traffic, but to do this, often means you will wait through one or more light cycles, as traffic builds up behind you. A week ago, I obeyed the sign, and waited at the stop sign. The light turned green, the shopping center traffic began to move, and the woman behind me began to honk, because I was not moving. I pointed to the sign. She waved her arms and her face and mouth moved with anger. We missed the light, and she pulled out around me, though the light was red, and positioned herself to be in the lead spot. As she pulled around me, she pointed at me and the light, still telling me all about it, though I could not hear. Today I came to the same intersection and this time, pulled out further, so as to be able to cross, before the shopping center traffic. Suddenly to my left a woman with a double stroller appeared, crossed in front of my car, and lifted her stroller onto the sidewalk. Her lips were firmly pressed together. She looked at the stroller, looked at my car, then at me, her disapproval apparent. I was not only in the crosswalk, I was blocking the curb cut. I raised my hands and mouthed "I'm sorry." She stared at me, then looked away.

Incident:
I handed over items to a shy teenage visitor, and my quiet roommate waited in the other room the whole time she was there. I felt that both of them disliked me and disliked myself in the course of affecting a jovial manner to each of them.

Incident:
I stepped to the counter and tried to say hello to Will, who barely raised his head, and after my second hello, it became clear to me that he was unhappy, so I hushed. The young lady taking orders told him there was a medium iced chai, and then I asked for a large iced chai. When the drinks were ready the girl held them both up and called "large and medium iced chai." The woman next to me, and I said, at the same time: "Mine was the large." We looked at each other and looked at the drinks, and at the girl. The girl looked perplexed and held the two drinks out in front of her. "I'll take the medium," I said, as the other woman said, "I paid for a large." The girl still look perplexed, and I saw Will glance over, and could tell by his expression he was not going to get involved. "It's OK," I said, "I'll take the medium." The girl handed me the medium, and handed the other woman the large. The woman said to me: "That was very nice of you." I became annoyed with her as I walked away. I had paid for a large too. I did not like her thanking me.

Incident:
A great expression of my selfishness is in that I have never had a great desire to have children. Wonder, if like many things, I would like it if it was thrust upon me. Have felt lately, that pregnacy is a unique experience, and wonder I am less of a woman for not having the expreience. Think perhaps I have been neglectful of the sexual and reproductive abilities that I possess.

Incident:
Got a wedding invitation from a high school friend, and never opened it. She called for a photographer reference, and I didn't return the call and after 30 days the message with her number was erased from the answering service. I thought about finding her number, which would have been relatively easy, but didn't. My mother and father are attending the wedding, as are several other friends. My mother saw the girl and her sisters and made excuses for me. They said I was welcome to come. The wedding is today. I had to go to the church to help with the weekly set up, and worked quickly, so I could leave before she or any of the others I knew, arrived. In my head I am penning a letter, which I may or may not send, to apologize.